Oh, Right, You. Forgot About You.

Holy crap e-tailers are pissing me off lately.
I'll elaborate this week.

Oh man, what was I thinking?

For a "smart" kid growing up, I sure thought some pretty retarded things.



Remember these bad boys? I'm pretty sure they're still around, though I'm thinking Fruit by the Foot took some wind out of their produce-perverting sails. Six feet of fruit, versus a five inch by five inch square? I'm no mathematician, you do the math.
Anyways, way back in the day, I had a grape one of these. I was somewhat conscious of the plastic lining, but for some reason decided to eat it anyhow, I suppose thinking I could eat around the plastic or something. Of course, I couldn't. I ate some of the plastic. I got worried. I didn't totally know the meaning of it, but I knew a bunch of WWF wrestlers had had plastic surgery performed, and logically it followed that I too would need plastic surgery now. Brilliant.

Around the same time (what I guess you could call my rocket-science years), I had a calendar in my room. I must've been bored one day, and started looking through it and marking stuff down. November 11th. No, not what you're thinking "Shit! That's Calista Flockhart's birthday!". No, you trivia buffs out there, it's also Remembrance Day.


I took stock of what I had on hand, and noted that my scotch tape supplies were decidedly low. So, naturally, I wrote above Remembrance Day "Need scotch tape". I'm pretty sure I didn't score any that day. So screw you, veterans.

Ever seen this sticker on some manner of product?


Did it confuse the hell out of you why Quebec had any say on products sold in the rest of the country, too? Why do these presumptuous assholes just assume that you're well aware that QC is the abbreviation for quality control?

When I was seven, I went to Florida for a week or two, to visit my grandma. She had a place on one of the eleventy billion lakes there. When I got back, I was over at my ma's place. She asked about the trip, and the place, etc. She was in real estate, and I'd heard her talking on the phone before, and knew that condominium was frequently abbreviated. So, I let her know that I was at grandma's condom on the lake. I hope she was laughing with me.

Another post with more stupid stuff as I think of it.

Vomit Comet 1, Wags 0.

Oh, Billy Madison.

If pissing your pants is cool, consider Fergie Miles Davis

So, like Stephen Harper's list of acheivements during the last parliament, my New Year's celebrations were pretty much non-existant. Work saw to it that was the case. However, I hear the general populace decided to celebrate the event anyhow. I'm sure it was a bittersweet evening for all involved. There might have been some intoxication involved.

I mention this because I'm pretty sure there's a direct correlation. I shimmy on home on Ye Olde Bus from work this evening. It smells not so pleasant, even for the the bus. Ah well. Someone getting home from party action late (I approve!) or something.

I'm now ready to deboard said bus. I pull the delightful yellow cord, telling the person running the show that I would appreciate it if he could make those doors open for me soon. Naturally, I rise from my seat, so I can make my way to said doors.

But wait! My pantaloons don't feel right. A little clammy, mayhaps? A quick brush of my derriere with my hand tells my there's probably more moisture there than there should be. I run a quick check in my head, making sure there were no discharges of vile anus juice, authorized or otherwise, and to be certain, I make sure I haven't been eating anything with Olestra. Checks out clean. The internal dialogue at that point was something like "Are you fucking kidding me?". Admittedly, that probably would've been the thought either way.

So, I realize

• The smell was coming from my seat
• It contains either piss, shit, or puke
  
• Without being able to fully see my own ass (sigh), my pants are probably looking terrible right now
• The people anywhere close to me on the bus came on after me, and will probably attribute the smell to me, since there's forensic evidence

It's gotta be either shit or puke, I know of no foods that'll make number 1 smell quite like that. I'll probably never know, nor does it really matter, I guess. In my mind, poo's funnier seeing as it likely had to go through someone's pants to get deposited on the seat like that. Someone's jeans were a rudimentary coffee filter earlier.

Once I collect all this information, I make my way down to the door to get off the bus. I'm sure the folks behind me had an interesting 8 seconds. Once I get home, I immediately derobe downstairs, take a quick picture, and then hop in the shower to wash the foreign stank off me. Fuck, it isn't pretty.

Dear TTC,
Start putting that diaper material in the seats that changes colour when wet.

Love,
Me

Fucking Mormons!

So, I have the immense pleasure of living a few blocks away from a fairly large Mormon church. And boy, do those folks love talking to people about my Lord and saviour, Jesus Christ. I run into them on the autobus (which I think sucks, but I'll get to that), and they invariably talk to me, since I guess I look like a moral despot. The beard probably doesn't help.

The conversation went something like this. I didn't catch much of Johnny Polygamy's opening line, since I was thinking what to say to get him to piss off pretty much as soon as he opened his mouth.

Mormon Guy: Blah blah blah blah blah blah Jesus Christ?

Wags: No, I think Joseph Smith (Pretty sure he's the founder of the Mormon Church. +5 points for me remembering his name) is kinda silly, and I think you coming on here and proselytizing to a captive audience is horrible. (Yeah, I said silly, but I figured it was more civil than "a load of shit")

Mormon: Horrible?

Wags: Well yeah. I mean, you come on here and bother people, and it's not like they have a choice. It's not like if you were doing this on the street downtown or (interruped. I guess Mormon Guy didn't like where I was going with that)

Mormon: So what's your problem with Joseph Smith?

Wags: I dunno. He's supposed to be a prophet, but who made that decision? And you have a constant stream of prophets......

Mormon: Yes, we do. It's like all the prophets before Jesus, who were fortelling the coming of Christ. Our prophets are foretelling His second coming.

Wags: Yeah, but I don't exactly hold the traditional Christian business of prophets as water-tight. And it's not like they had a steady stream of them.

-------As a sidebar, here's the basic Mormon idea of prophets. They're elected, but still 'receive relevations from the Lord'. Cool that God's will bends the the democretized decisions of these folks.

Mormon: You don't believe that part of the Bible?

Wags: No, that's just a story.

Mormon: What religion are you, then?

Wags: I'm an agnostic athiest.

Mormon: Oh, have a nice day.


My problem with all of this? Several-fold. And not so I could just make up that word.

I really don't like the Mormon church. Mormons, on their own, fine. But once you put on that white-and-black-I'm-going-to-save-you outfit, you become the church. I'm not a big fan of organized religion, period. But, most don't go to the trouble of contributing in the neighbourhood of $25 million to help proposition 8 in California (ban on gay marriage).

And to the doing this on the bus thing. I'm on the bus. Meaning I have somewhere to go. Meaning if you're bugging the hell out of me, I'm probably going to stay on that bus. Because, you know, I still have somewhere to go. Captive fucking audience. At least Jehovah's have the cajones to do the door-to-door thing. I can close the door. I can't make the bus go faster.

In a similar vein, let's look at some facts

1. Less-educated people are more likely to be religious

2. Less-educated people are more likely to be on a low income

3. Low income people are more likely to use public transit than say, own a car

Aside from the captive audience thing, it's almost like the Mormons use the TTC to "spread the word" because they know it's frequented by less-affluent people, and therefore know they're "easier" targets. Hell, if I were in their shoes, I'd probably do that same, just to meet my saved souls quota. Still scummy, though.

And what's the deal with caffeine? That's the least of my vices. Shit guys, just give up on me. You'd hate me once you got to know me.

Making a computer, making a computer, maaaaking a computer

Only about 38 years in the making, finally a new computer. Pretty simple stuff to do.

All the parts ready to go. Hard drive is already installed in the case, along the right hand side.

Power supply installed in the bottom.

Processor goes into the motherboard, in the square socket in the top.

A bit of paste on the processor, to help transfer heat to the heatsink that will be installed on top of it.

Heatsink put on, motherboard installed into case.


DVD drive installed to top right part of case, and power connected from supply to various parts of the computer.

Big honkin' video card installed across the middle.

Power connected to video card, and memory installed next to heatsink.

Ding fries are done!

Overclocked, so I render my own LOLcats videos a little faster.
That's all. I have nothing of note to write, so figured I'd post something.

Whose pot is melting, anyways?

So, just over 24 hours removed from the US of A doing their greatest deed since kindly taking Celine Dion off of our hands. I'm glad it happened. I feel he was best suited to do the job, but, shit, he's black (gasp!). Not really fitting the criteria to be "leader of the free world (sigh)". Racism works both ways. Undoubtedly there were lots of good ol' boys that weren't going to vote for a black guy, no way no how. But you can bet your ass that it worked the other way, too. How it worked out with hispanics (fuck, I hate that term) is anyone's guess, since according to the political pundits who I'm going to have to defer to on this one, don't get along with black folks in general. How much of an influence this racism from both sides played a factor, who the crap really knows. To paint with a really broad brush, whites are Republicans, and non-whites are Democrats. Obama got more of the white vote than any Democrat since something like '76. So I digress.


The real point of this - what about North of 49? We Canadians sure like to give us self-congratulatory blowjobs about being "tolerant" (another term I hate), or a "mosaic", or whatever term you want to use to make the bullshit claim that we're all children of the sun and everyone lives in harmony. Christ, they even taught that in school. Undrground Railroad, for example. Not to lessen its historical or cultural significance, but come on guys, being better than a bunch of rich, tyrannical white dudes doesn't make you a beacon of righteousness, it just means you're less fucked than the other guy. Which at the time wouldn't be saying much.

Take a look at the political scene here now. Sure, we've got what I'm going to guess is more diverse representation in both Federal and Provincial Parliaments. Indian, native, black, Chinese and white representatives make up our government. Look how progressive we are, right? No, no and fuck no. We are, without a doubt, a mosaic. Meaning that a lot of the time, different ethnicities keep to themselves. Look no further than Toronto. Huge Asian communities in Richmond Hill, Markham, and Chinatown around College/Spadina. Paskistani, Indian and surrounding areas in Brampton, which tons of people (myself included) refer to as Bramledesh. Greektown. Little Italy. And so on.

My argument goes like this - the makeup of government here is such that it is simply because where minorities are elected, there's a large population of that same minority. Again, the racism is working from all angles. Hell, I'll concede that maybe it works like the American scene did. People of X nationality were getting elected because they were the representative of Y political party in the area, which there were a lot of people that were also X nationality and therefore more likely supporters of Y party to begin with. But I still have to wonder. At least the States have had black presedential candidates before. They just didn't have a snowball's chance in hell (sorry, Jesse Jackson). And Kim Campbell doesn't count for us, since she didn't win an election to become PM.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy to be on this side of the border. It's not like we're rushing to have amendments to ban gay marriage like so many states. Lewis Black is right, on a list of priorities, that should be on page six, just after "are we eating too much garlic, as a people?". But we sure as hell shouldn't be afraid to look in the mirror and recognize those big hairy moles on our faces. And I could be barking up the wrong tree entirely - how's life on any of the native reserves here? Pretty fucking swell, I'm sure. Or maybe it's the gender gap. Or maybe those pride parades we have in the summer spackle over that shoddy drywall we put up. Or maybe things are just so damn perfect I'm the anorexic looking to lose a few pounds that don't exist?
That'd be nice, but not bloody likely.

More of the old.

How come PETA never shit the bed over Zoodles?

Serioulsy, what the fuck is up with Ashley Madison? Am I the only one that rolled over in my pre-dug grave when these ads first came out? I'm a monogamy guy, but that's my thing. I can appreciate that some people are into polygamy, or whatever. That's not my thing, but I can live with that. However, if someone's gotten married, that fucktard has said I'm sleeping with this piece of ass, and that's it. PERIOD. How the fuck can you gear an ad campaign specifically to married foks? Remember that piece of paper you signed? Fucked up on that one, didn't you? Come get laid elsewhere. We're scum, and super-discreet!

Which brings me up to another still-born idea. Ontel's Listen Up Hearing Device. In a one minute ad, they spend maybe ten seconds pitching legitimate use(s). Like you're in bed watching the tube when the broad is asleep. Hell, I can relate, I can barely sleep without some music, and most of my significant others over the years don't take kindly to that kind of ear pollution. But then the commerical takes a sordid turn. Listen to the kids at the park! Find out whose kid is experimenting with whom! Listen to gossip at the church! Because a), that's awesome at a supposed bastion of morality, and b)That's where all the sweetest gossip is divulged! Hear how many times your tenemant building can make their partner cum! What the fuck is the point of the FCC, if not to keep this trash on the air? Listen up, you're a douchebag.

Who the crap decided it was bad luck to see the bride before the wedding? I'll tell you who, nobody. That's right, this was never a martial tradition. some retard cam over from the Far East and got their shit confused. Some one from India, used to the world of arranged marriages. Guess what? Language barrier! Some asshole that insisted that "Pablo" speak in English or "get the fuck out of the country", pressured him into relaying his own wedding experiences. He was used to the old-school arranged marriage gambit. Meaning, you don't see the bride before you marry. Turns out Webster's Hindi-Enlgish wasn't handy, so it turned into bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. On a related note, rednecks are also bad luck.

Now, I've started biking a fair bit through the city of Toronto. So, I figure I understand, at least to some degree, the trials and tribulations that cyclists face in this town. That said, Who the fuck gave cyclists the key to the roads on Sundays? All the time on weekends, I see some retards a)biking maybe 10 km/h, and b) biking 3 wide.
Guess what? If I'm going at a fairly decent clip (for me), I'm doing maybe 25 km/h. Which means unless Granny Smith is driving out to her orchard, vehicles are going faster than me. Which means even though the roads are emptier than they are mid-week, I still stay to the fucking side of the road. Are either of you three Lance Armstrong? No? Then you don't need a whole damn lane.