Vomit Comet 1, Wags 0.

Oh, Billy Madison.

If pissing your pants is cool, consider Fergie Miles Davis

So, like Stephen Harper's list of acheivements during the last parliament, my New Year's celebrations were pretty much non-existant. Work saw to it that was the case. However, I hear the general populace decided to celebrate the event anyhow. I'm sure it was a bittersweet evening for all involved. There might have been some intoxication involved.

I mention this because I'm pretty sure there's a direct correlation. I shimmy on home on Ye Olde Bus from work this evening. It smells not so pleasant, even for the the bus. Ah well. Someone getting home from party action late (I approve!) or something.

I'm now ready to deboard said bus. I pull the delightful yellow cord, telling the person running the show that I would appreciate it if he could make those doors open for me soon. Naturally, I rise from my seat, so I can make my way to said doors.

But wait! My pantaloons don't feel right. A little clammy, mayhaps? A quick brush of my derriere with my hand tells my there's probably more moisture there than there should be. I run a quick check in my head, making sure there were no discharges of vile anus juice, authorized or otherwise, and to be certain, I make sure I haven't been eating anything with Olestra. Checks out clean. The internal dialogue at that point was something like "Are you fucking kidding me?". Admittedly, that probably would've been the thought either way.

So, I realize

• The smell was coming from my seat
• It contains either piss, shit, or puke
  
• Without being able to fully see my own ass (sigh), my pants are probably looking terrible right now
• The people anywhere close to me on the bus came on after me, and will probably attribute the smell to me, since there's forensic evidence

It's gotta be either shit or puke, I know of no foods that'll make number 1 smell quite like that. I'll probably never know, nor does it really matter, I guess. In my mind, poo's funnier seeing as it likely had to go through someone's pants to get deposited on the seat like that. Someone's jeans were a rudimentary coffee filter earlier.

Once I collect all this information, I make my way down to the door to get off the bus. I'm sure the folks behind me had an interesting 8 seconds. Once I get home, I immediately derobe downstairs, take a quick picture, and then hop in the shower to wash the foreign stank off me. Fuck, it isn't pretty.

Dear TTC,
Start putting that diaper material in the seats that changes colour when wet.

Love,
Me

Fucking Mormons!

So, I have the immense pleasure of living a few blocks away from a fairly large Mormon church. And boy, do those folks love talking to people about my Lord and saviour, Jesus Christ. I run into them on the autobus (which I think sucks, but I'll get to that), and they invariably talk to me, since I guess I look like a moral despot. The beard probably doesn't help.

The conversation went something like this. I didn't catch much of Johnny Polygamy's opening line, since I was thinking what to say to get him to piss off pretty much as soon as he opened his mouth.

Mormon Guy: Blah blah blah blah blah blah Jesus Christ?

Wags: No, I think Joseph Smith (Pretty sure he's the founder of the Mormon Church. +5 points for me remembering his name) is kinda silly, and I think you coming on here and proselytizing to a captive audience is horrible. (Yeah, I said silly, but I figured it was more civil than "a load of shit")

Mormon: Horrible?

Wags: Well yeah. I mean, you come on here and bother people, and it's not like they have a choice. It's not like if you were doing this on the street downtown or (interruped. I guess Mormon Guy didn't like where I was going with that)

Mormon: So what's your problem with Joseph Smith?

Wags: I dunno. He's supposed to be a prophet, but who made that decision? And you have a constant stream of prophets......

Mormon: Yes, we do. It's like all the prophets before Jesus, who were fortelling the coming of Christ. Our prophets are foretelling His second coming.

Wags: Yeah, but I don't exactly hold the traditional Christian business of prophets as water-tight. And it's not like they had a steady stream of them.

-------As a sidebar, here's the basic Mormon idea of prophets. They're elected, but still 'receive relevations from the Lord'. Cool that God's will bends the the democretized decisions of these folks.

Mormon: You don't believe that part of the Bible?

Wags: No, that's just a story.

Mormon: What religion are you, then?

Wags: I'm an agnostic athiest.

Mormon: Oh, have a nice day.


My problem with all of this? Several-fold. And not so I could just make up that word.

I really don't like the Mormon church. Mormons, on their own, fine. But once you put on that white-and-black-I'm-going-to-save-you outfit, you become the church. I'm not a big fan of organized religion, period. But, most don't go to the trouble of contributing in the neighbourhood of $25 million to help proposition 8 in California (ban on gay marriage).

And to the doing this on the bus thing. I'm on the bus. Meaning I have somewhere to go. Meaning if you're bugging the hell out of me, I'm probably going to stay on that bus. Because, you know, I still have somewhere to go. Captive fucking audience. At least Jehovah's have the cajones to do the door-to-door thing. I can close the door. I can't make the bus go faster.

In a similar vein, let's look at some facts

1. Less-educated people are more likely to be religious

2. Less-educated people are more likely to be on a low income

3. Low income people are more likely to use public transit than say, own a car

Aside from the captive audience thing, it's almost like the Mormons use the TTC to "spread the word" because they know it's frequented by less-affluent people, and therefore know they're "easier" targets. Hell, if I were in their shoes, I'd probably do that same, just to meet my saved souls quota. Still scummy, though.

And what's the deal with caffeine? That's the least of my vices. Shit guys, just give up on me. You'd hate me once you got to know me.

TTC, for the kids.

Admittedly, most of my delightful TTC adventures are to and from work, and therefore involve the bus. I can't speak with any degree of authority on the subway lines, though they seem to have a more intelligent ridership.

With that nice little disclaimer out of the way, is the general populace of Toronto devoid of any intelligence?

The front half of most buses nowadays have a row of single seats on the left, and double seats on the right. This means the corridor between these seats is biased to the left side of the bus (when facing the front of the bus).

Scenario: The bus is now standing-room only. You a)Stand on near the single seat on the left-hand side, thereby leaving the actual middle of the bus clear, and blocking the path of 1 person instead of 2; or b) Stand on the right-hand side, blocking said 2 people, and also blocking the middle corridor since other standing passengers are already on the left.

Why do so many people choose b? If I'm on the left, why do you need to stand right beside me, instead of somewhere along 12ish feet of empty space behind me? Do you get some joy out of people having to tiptoe around us that I'm clearly missing out on?

Next beef: Exiting of said bus. Odds are you're getting off at a fairly major intersection, which means it's also quite likely that several people are getting on at that stop. What the hell is wrong with the back door (shhh)? Why does everyone have to wait for you to make your graceful exit before they can get on the bus? Does getting off the bus 18 feet closer to your destination really make that much of a difference? Unless you've got a stroller, you're a genuine Grade A asshole.

Moving right along, suppose I've sat in one of those double seats. You sit beside me. Fine. You see me pull the super fun happy ding cord to indicate I'm taking my ball and going home. Is it really that hard to get up for a whole of five seconds? It seems like more and more people prefer to just turn their torso, getting the knees out of the way, ignoring the fact that my body and their torso are still on a collision course. I'm forced to make the Tyler Durden-style ass or crotch choice. I should really start crop dusting these people.

Final gripe, this one on the subway. Most of the seats are in a kind of L configuration. A row of three seats perpendicular to two seats. I'm in one of the two seaters, in the "crotch" of the L. Someone else is at the top of the three seater in the L. This means there's one open seat next to me, while the three seater has one space where they don't have to rub hips with somebody. I thought this was supposed to work like the urinals. Whenever possible, you take the spot where you're free and clear of other people. TONS of people seem to miss the boat on this one. If there were three urinals, with a guy pissing on the left, with the centre and right available, you bet your ass that guy would WTF? in his head if I dropped trou in the middle urinal.

Maybe I'm crazy, or people just lack common sense. Mayhaps both.